I Am Not Straight Acting:

I have identified as straight at various times throughout my life. Straight in response to positive feedback, when I was a teenager. Like when I was dating my first girlfriend, Jennifer, and knew in the back of my mind that I was a flaming homo, and that admitting this to anyone (my friends, myself, God), meant I would burn in hell for eternity. My sexuality was non-normative, and the bodies I desired weren’t the bodies I should. Straight-acting for purposes of safety, whether this is in Minot, or in Minneapolis.

I first experimented sexually with another person when I was 12 years old. We will call my respective party Cybill. Cybill’s parents often went to the bar for a happy hour -or four- after work, and it was often the case that she would be left at home watching her younger sisters until the next day was beginning, and most of the neighborhood was getting ready for work. To my knowledge, we had not negotiated having sex prior to this sleepover. But, not long after her two sisters had gone to bed, the discussion Cybill and I were having shifted to us both being virgins, and our desire to not be.

It’s a stretch to say that I had envisioned my first time as needing to be romantic, though it would be accurate to state that while I was still a tween, that I did understand the seriousness of what we were about to do. That being stated, we opted that mood music was necessary, drew a warm bathe, and lit candles.

Cybill undressed first, in the bathroom. Being a gentleman I left the room to allow Cybill to take off her clothes, and then climb into the tub. When she called to let me know she was ready I opened the bathroom door, shed my clothes, and settled on the opposite side of the tub facing her, the lever controlling the drain’s plug poking me in the back.

We stared into each other’s eyes before saying, or doing anything. My first concern was that I would get Cybill pregnant. “I haven’t had my period yet, so I’m not going to get pregnant”. I remained unconvinced, but resigned myself to the responsibility of pulling out before I finished so as to avoid an unwanted pregnancy.

We never had sex. Initially, I had assumed it was my own anxiety, but the following day, in retrospect, I came to think of this as being the clarity I needed in order to know that my sexuality was truly not going to take the same shape as my peers.

Even before I was aware of my attraction to men, it had been assumed that I was a “faggot” or at least a “sissy”; that is what the bullies called me on the playground. I’ve always been “effeminate” since I was little. This started with a love for Rainbow Brite and the Care Bears, and when I grew older, turned into a love of the choir, ballet, and gymnastics –I was involved with all three.

Many queer men I know have similar stories of being the sissy, and being read as effeminate. Effeminacy is read as being masculinity’s opposite, just as heterosexual is read as being homosexuality’s opposite. Assuming that is the case, a queer male, being inverted sexually, is predisposed to femininity. Meanwhile, straight men are predisposed to masculinity. This perceived unnaturalness of homosexual femininity is completely misogynist, as masculinity is largely privileged over femininity in most spheres. Being read as effeminate becomes undesirable for many gay men, which results in a desire to identify as simultaneously not (too) gay, and not (too) feminine.

Femininity has a bad rap. When queer, cisgendered men are bashed, it is rarely because of their perceived sexuality, but because of their gender expressions being read as effeminate. I believe because of this that many gay men have a negative self image and distance themselves from effeminate expressions and those they perceive as being as effeminate –no sissies, no femmes.

This hardly seems to me as having a type of guy you are attracted to, as it is about internalized homophobia and misogyny that has gone unchecked.